The Avenger's Rant
by diabolicalrat
Summary: Crackish. Sasuke complains about... well, everything. Rated for language.


A/N: I found this on my computer. I wrote it the other day and completely forgot to put it up. Oh well.

It's probably been done before, but it's fun. xD

DISCLAIMER: My views aren't necessarily the same as Sasuke's... and I don't own Naruto.

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Hello there, reader. Sasuke here. I'm way better than Naruto… and I'm going to kill Itachi.

But you already knew that.

I'll cut to the chase, since I'm in the middle of thrashing the weasel right now, and this is kind of like one of those hellish flashbacks where everything stops so that a character can reminisce about how they suffered as a child and how they're just like their opponent and blah blah blah…

Don't you just fuckin' hate those?

I do too. I mean, way back when, when I was beating Naruto to a pulp, he spent at least an hour annoying the hell out of me when I was trying to Chidori his heart out. Do you know what that feels like? Total disrespect! Come on, at least TRY to pretend that you're afraid to die.

Yeah, yeah, you're probably calling me a hypocrite now. But I have problems! And my problems are worse than everybody else's!

Look at Neji. Oh whoopee shit, his dad is dead and he's got a cursed mark on his forehead. How about I have one that makes me go fuckin' 1980's hair band? And at least he got his from a normal source! I got _bit_ by a_pedophile_ who _wanted_ my body. Don't EVEN go there.

And then there's Gaara. I don't even want to talk about him. Not that it matters, because he got his ass kicked by a very, very feminine man with tongues in his hands.

Who died because of me, mind you.

Naruto… well that idiot never even had family! Don't give me that "well he was alone all of his life" bullshit! You can't miss what you've never had! And he spends his days being happy-go-lucky and completely obsessed with bringing me back to Konoha…

And that's another thing! Get a life, idiot! Don't you have your own problems, like the death of Jiraiya or the Kyuubi or something? Kami, stop chasing me around and grow a brain! I don't want to come back to Konoha, and if you one day happen to be able to drag me back, do you really believe that I'm going to stay?

No! I'm not!

And on the topic of being itemized by other people, I'd like to point out that I AM NOT AN EYE DONOR! First MichaelJackson-maru wants my eyes, then my sociopath brother does... who's next, Naruto? They're MY orbs of doom! Get your own!

Oh wait, you can't. You're not an Uchiha!

You know what else? I'm also completely sick of these fangirls! Okay, it was funny, even cute, when Sakura played fangirl way back when, but now it's just old. Karin's whorish antics are far, FAR from amusing.

Not that I'm one to talk about hair, but seriously, what is up with Karin anyways? Did half of that get caught in Suigetsu's mouth? And the multiple personality thing… that's borderline terrifying.

I really don't like her. I hope Kisame skins her ass.

Ehem. A lot of people have been asking about my sexual orientation. After that accident with Naruto (might I add that it was 100 years ago?), nobody has been satisfied with my answer.

But I'll give it again anyways, even though most of you morons will, in your next motion of the mouse, search for some "Fluffeh SasuNaru Fanfics!!!11!1111!!!"

Now THAT is a reason to gouge out your own eyes.

The answer is this: I'm straight. I have to be straight. I have to resurrect my clan, and last time I checked, males can't bear children.

Not that I wouldn't be straight if they could.

Awkward topic. Moving on.

I, Uchiha Sasuke, have a confession to make.

I am afraid of one, and only one, thing in this vastly fucked up world.

That one thing being…

…rabid yaoi fangirls with access to the internet.

Hide me.

Oh, dear god. Hide my ass, too, because if you don't it's going to be aching like hell tomorrow morning.

They insist on pairing me (and making me the uke!) with every single male in the series! NaruSasu, KakaSasu, SaiSasu, NejiSasu, et cetera, et cetera, and the worst of all ItaSasu!

Let's get one thing straight.

I. ABHOR. ITACHI.

IT. WILL. NEVER. EVER. HAPPEN.

THE ONLY THING ORGASMIC THAT HE COULD DO IS LIE DEAD ON THE FLOOR IN A POOL OF HIS OWN FILTHY BLOOD!

And when I was a child, I was not sexually active!

…

And now, I'm sure that you've got a pretty little picture of me being raped by Itachi as a child.

If not, you're wondering if I'm sexually active now.

…

THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

I have no time for such things! I have a weasel-bastard to kill!

…

Wait, what did I want to talk about anyways?

Oh yeah. I wanted to tell you all about how I'm cooler than Itachi.

But you already knew that.

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Wheeeeeeeeeeeee. :D


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